You Know You've Been Watching Babylon 5 Too Much When...

The Best of...

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING
BABYLON 5 TOO MUCH WHEN...

...a personal selection by Mr. Gik

Original complete list at www.webhost.cl/~miguel/ykybwbtmw.html

your hairstyle matches Londo's.
your sexual fantasies include Delenn.
you believe that in a past life you were a member of the Grey Council.
you can't shake the feeling that B4 is DS9.
the only ancient history you know is Babylon's.
you pretend to blackmail Londo.
there is a hole in your mind.
you think vulcans are members of the Psi Corps.
you wonder who would win a fight between a minbari and a vulcan.
your .newsrc contains only the line "rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5: 1-183406".
you keep saying "data crystal" instead of "diskette".
you finger sinclair@b5.mil.ea and wonder why doesn't it work.
... then you remember that he's now sinclair@ea_embassy.minbar.gov.
... it doesn't work either, and then you conclude it must be a problem with the nameserver.
... so you try Valen@... aw, skip it!
someone uses insecticide, and you shout "Do you wanna kill N'grath? Are you mad?".
... then you don't understand why everyone stares at you.
you try to watch Mutai fights on ESPN.
... you actually call them to complain about it.
you want to brain wipe someone you really hate.
you think Darth Vader is a vorlon.
you think Chekhov was really Bester doing an undercover spying mission.
you want to become member of the Third Fain of Chudomo.
you believe the Grim Reaper is a soul hunter.
you wonder what did Captain Kirk do during the Earth/Minbari war.
you want to know if there are any xenobiology courses in med school.
you are upset because CNN doesn't report anything about Ragesh 3.
your biggest worry is narn expansionism.
... but recent events change that to *Centauri* expansionism.
you keep on thinking what went wrong in the Battle of the Line.
your first son has just been born, and you can't think of any names other than Londo, Lennier and Kosh.
you pretend to spend some vacations on Mars.
... and book a reservation on the Red Planet Hotel.
you're afraid that your soul will escape if you're cut open.
you think Ivanova *IS* God.
you ask the Air Force recruiter about the Starfury Training Program.
you go to the produce section of the grocery store and ask if their spoo is fresh.
you tell the plastic surgeon you want to have an operation to make you an anatomically correct Centauri.
you have a bumper sticker that says "My other car's a Starfury".
you have a bumper sticker that says "Warning: Fully loaded Cobra Bay in trunk".
you have made a PPG.
you start scouring the world to try and find enough Quantium-40 to make a jump-point generator.
your WWW client's hot list has over 100 entries and 95% of them point to Babylon 5 pages.
you keep a notepad and pencil next to your bed so that you can write down what Kosh says in your dreams, should Kosh happen to appear.
... and you go through at least one notebook a week.
... and to be sure, you also write down everything your father says in your dreams.
at work, you don't go to strikes because of fear of the Rush Act.
you go asking everyone "What do you want?".
you wonder why Lt. Barclay bears a striking resemblance to that demented war vet in Downbelow.
... and you wonder how Bester and this war vet got to different Enterprises in different centuries via the same rift that ate B4.
the phone rings, and instead of picking up the receiver you tap the back of your hand.
you call your cable operator and ask what cable package comes with ISN.
you are watching Letterman when the camera flashes to the audience. Two women are sitting quietly, not laughing at the jokes and wearing black gloves. You immediately shout, "Psicorps!".
you wreck your car on the highway by spinning the wheel fully around while traveling at 80 miles per hour, trying to imitate Sheridan as he's leaving the station in _All Alone in the Night_.
you wonder where the hell is that clean, efficient Minbari power source for your new motorcycle.
you catch yourself looking for rangers in the background while watching an opera.
you skive off work just to see what the TV listings magazines have to say about the new episode within an hour of them appearing on the shelves.
you call your travel agent and try to arrange passage to Minbar and get directions to the Earth embassy.
you're planning your vacation, and the only place that appeals to you is Molari State Park.
you bite into some fried chicken and say, "Hey, tastes just like Narn!".
you'd like to introduce your sister to Lennier.
you begin fantasizing political conspiracies at your family reunion.
you wish you could stand up when driving your car.
the entire weekend is devoted to preparing and eating one meal.
while watching football, all the blockers look kinda like Kosh.
when conversing with a Star Wars fan you claim that "my shadows can kick your Dark Side's butt".
you begin to wonder if Bester and Deanna Troi are related.
you realize that the "Psychic Friends Network" is actually the PR division of the Psi Corps.
you are spending the night in a shelter to wait out hurricane Erin, and your only thought is "I'm going to miss Babylon 5 tonight for sure!"
you are disappointed that your newspapers religion page doesn't list a Foundationist church.
your dreams don't simply include B5 characters and scenes, instead they are full new episodes.
you trust the Psi-Corps, because the Corps is your friend.
you try alligator at a restaurant, and all you can think of to say is "Tastes like Narn!".
you have always been here.
you go to the basement and expect to find a moment of perfect beauty in the darkness.
you look for airlocks to shove irritating people through.
"Scrag 'em" and "Space 'em" have become part of your normal vocabulary.
you call B5-related conversations "dis-kosh-ion"s.
you think genies were Shadow agents.
you back off whenever people ask "What do you want?".
you see a spline-based screen saver, and immediately wonder if Abel Horne has just interfaced with Control via that computer.
you actually try to make sense out of which side the red thing on Ivanova's uniform is facing on a particular episode.
you turn a mis-printed M&M upside-down and see the Psi Corps logo instead of an "m".
you ask jewelry stores if they carry gravity-control rings.
you offer to bring the little pieces of red fruit to a friend's wedding.
... and then can't keep yourself from saying 'And so it begins' during the ceremony.
you wonder wether Cylons have anything to do with the shadows.
you wonder wether Starbuck is a ranger.
you're not thinking what you're thinking.
you're bored of paying taxes for subsidizing those martian twits.
you get a headache and wonder if you've been through Sector 14.
you start wondering why Oliver Stone didn't mention the Psi Corp's involvement in the Kennedy assassination.
buying candy from a vending machine, you buy whatever is at selection B-5 (or you at least look there).
you cut yourself just to verify your blood is red - not yellow or green.
Quentin Tarantino appears on a call-in program, and you call to ask if it was Ambassador Kosh in the briefcase in 'Pulp Fiction'.
you look up the name 'Morden' in your local phone book.
... and when you find one, you call him up and ask him to have his associates pay a visit to the Warner Bros. exec who decided to delay broadcast of the final four season two episodes.
... and then you start reading the obituaries in 'Variety' hoping to see news that a Warner Bros. exec died under mysterious circumstances.
you start dating someone because when you ask 'What do you want?' they reply 'Never ask that question!'.
... and later break up over a green/purple argument.
you are watching ALIENS and you think the Alien queen is really one of the shadows and wonder how Ripley is going to see her through its "invisibility" screen.
you constantly call all world governments to come together before the coming of the shadows.
you feel you're being nibbled to death by cats.
at a relative's deathbed, you begin forming a wall of bodies, in case a Soul Hunter appears.
you see a beautiful girl wearing purple smiling at you, but decide not to approach her because you're wearing green and realize that it could never work out.
you commit murder because you were disturbed while watching it.
you are shopping for a new vehicle and the only ones that you are interested in are Ford Rangers and Dodge Shadows.
... and you ask the salesman to demonstrate the hyperspace capabilites of the Dodge Shadow.
... but you hesitate when you realize that once you're in one of those things you're never... quite... the... same... (but you do as you're told!)
... and you make sure your wife WON'T get anywhere near one of those.
you look for Mr. Garibaldi to hug when you're feeling insecure.
you want to build a statue to Zathras.
your car sings to you while you're sleep.
you ask people "Who are you?", and when they don't answer correctly, you stick their fingers in an electrical socket.
you rack your brain trying to figure out how the Forces of Light are going to defeat the Shadows, especially considering how dangerous the Shadow ships are to other ships.
you check the WWW Lurker site every day for the latest news, and spend your lunches and breaks at work studying the home page sections.
you have memorized "Signs and Portents" and "The Coming of Shadows", after having seen each episode on tape about a hundred times.
you have memorized an enormous quantity of B5 trivia, and consider yourself an expert on the subject, even challenging people to quiz you on anything about the show.
you plan an expedition to Z'ha'Dum to rescue Sheridan's wife.
you consider killing President Clark yourself, but then realize that it wouldn't really help the situation.
you threaten someone you hate with the phrase "You will know pain, and you will know fear, and then you will die.".
you actually have said "Absofraginglutely."
you want a "Ba-bear-lon 5".
you wonder why the UN has not passed a resolution condemning the Centauri for their aggression and use of outlawed weapons.
you want UN peacekeepers sent to the Narn homeworld.
you accidentally cut yourself and all you can say is, "Dead, Dead, Dead...".
you check for Narn before entering a elevator.
you try to buy a TV station that runs B5, and then try to have its call letters changed to KOSH.
you don't trust anyone named 'Sebastian'.
you panic when someone asks 'Who are you?'.
you look for an investigative reporter to do an expose' on the Nightwatch.
you put a Vorlon on top of your Christmas tree.
you start looking for "attributes" on your stomach.
you have just been thru a life threatening situation and all you can think of saying is "Thank the Great Maker.".
you decide that your wife would look good bald.
you begin to become attracted to Vir.
you start talking to household appliances and your car.
you see the headlights of an oncoming car and you think it's a couple of Vorlons.
you begin wondering when the rangers are going to overthrow the Grey Council.
you wonder how to hide a Narn war cruiser in your backyard for sanctuary.
you begin to plot the death of Psi Corps for what they did to Talia.
you mark the upcoming episode titles in your datebook.
you decide it's better not to tell yourself what it is that you do not need to know.
entering a church, you find the Holy Water but can't help wondering where the Minbari and Human blood is.
while driving, you suddenly have an irresistible urge to "punch it".
your boss tells you he expects you to read his mind and you immediately suspect he may be a Psi Corp spy.
you are suddenly afraid of your own shadow and want to ask Delenn what it means.
you start having romantic feelings for G'Kar.
someone asks you what time it is and you reply, "It's the dawn of the third age...".
you listen to the music instead of the song when you seek for meaning.
you arrange a meeting with someone at the hour of scampering.
you are happy now that the case of Jack the Ripper is finally closed.
you consider the possibility that the world is right and you are wrong.
instead of pulling the emergency brake in a train, you tap the back of your hand and shout "Computer, emergency override! Open train doors!".
you consider a strain on you to be seen by many people.
you start referring to your children as "pouchlings".
you think NRA means "Narn Resistance Alliance".
the only day that has any meaning is the day when B5 is telecast.
you start growing coffee in your closet under grow lights.
the highest compliment you can give your girl/boy friend is that they look like a "dream given form".
you toss off proverbs like: `A little learning is a three-edged sword.'.
you're angry that you can't find a bar that serves Jovian Sunspots.
the only senator's name you can recall is Hidoshi.
you wonder how the Millennium Falcon can go into hyperspace without a jumpgate.
your goal in life is to become a technomage.
you name your newborn daughter Delenn.
your bedroom starts looking like the Downbelow.
people get irritated by your talking in Vorlonesque statements - you always say "Good.".
you think the FBI has been remiss in not using monks to seek out the Unabomber.
you're driving on the Cross Bronx expressway, and upon seeing the exit for the Sheridan Parkway you think "Wasn't Sheridan born in 2214?".
you go to the sporting goods store to get a cat hunting license.
you refuse to go into a bar because you fear that even a small amount of alcohol will cause you to go into a homicidal rage.
you ask your doctor about getting gill implants.
you go to your local flower shop to special order a G'Quan Eth plant.
you wonder wether the Wookies are members of the League of Non-Aligned Worlds.
you see a spider on your wall and the first thing you think of is how much it looks like a Shadow ship.
... then you're afraid to smash it for fear of being cut in half by a purple ray.
... Heck, you aren't even going to touch it with your bare hand!
... Then you concentrate your thoughts on the spider in an attempt to make it go away.
you reverse a .wav of the season 3 theme and play it back to check for secret messages or Shadow voices.
you change your hairstyle to match Delenn's.
you accuse your co-workers of being PsiCorps and Nightwatch plants, and your boss of being a Shadow agent.
you're playing Battleship and you grin knowingly whenever someone calls B-5.
you can't get hot water for your shower, and you wonder if you've done anything to piss off Ivanova.
you're watching a news report on the Bosnian peace talks, and when they show a map showing how the country is to be divided, you swear that the borders are shown outlined in flame.
you are tempted to mindwipe your rebellious teen so you can start over.
you fear the midterm is going to explode if you don't answer all the questions.
you search your local bookstores continuously trying to find a copy of the Book of G'Quon.
you step into an elevator and say "Blue 2".
... and then you wonder why this travel tube doesn't respond to voice commands.
you classify your days as 'arc' or 'non-arc'.
you stare at pennies far too long.
you try to collect people's fears using a video recorder.
you dream about friends speaking cryptically while birds are perched on their shoulders.
it takes weeks for you to recover after you read a mention of the excellent 'psych program' at CLARK University.
your Netscape's home page is http://www.midwinter.com/lurk/whatsnew.html.
you start to find Narn females attractive.
you make octopus spaghetti because you're expecting Drazi visitors.
you're watching "Golden Eye" and think the line goes, "Only three men I know use a Walther PPG. Two of them are scragged.".
you think Santa Claus is a Shadow agent because he always asks "What do you want?".
you think "The Fugitive" deserves a makeup Emmy - G'Kar made a very convincing one-armed man.
somebody calls you a bonehead, and you retort "But I'm not Minbari!!!".
you avoid answering questions by impersonating Mollari and saying, "When the room stops spinning.".
you think that calling someone a liar is a capital offense.
you tell your girlfriend she'd look great with a bone hairpiece.
you see a commercial for Motel 6, and then you spend the next half hour wondering what happened to Motels 1 through 5.
after watching the end of 'Screamers', you wonder what did Sheridan know in _There All Honor Lies_.
you look up the word 'Vorlon' in the dictionary to find clues to the story arc.
on the subway, you inspect the seats of other passengers after they stand up, just in case...
you want to know if the evil teacher you despise is still out sick, so you ask your friends "Have the shadows returned to Z'ha'dum?".
... and you talk about B5 so much that they actually know what you mean and who you're referring to.
you have been seen wandering around mumbling something about how "a lack of information can KILL you" on the day of final exams.
your 330M hard drive holds over 73 megs of B5 video, audio, and texts... and counting.
you have used the phrase "... because you can't _have_ larger ideals if the smaller ones are compromised" at least three times on essay tests.
you ask your AP physics teacher how to build a jumpgate.
you start ending your prayers with "In Valen's Name, Amen.".
people ask you where you are, and you reply "The name of the place, is _________".
in a game of DESCENT, when you're cloaked and about to nail somebody, you send the message: "Watch out for shadows. They move when you're not looking.".
your 6-character ATM code is "B5KOSH"
you refer to caffeine sodas as "stims".
you have a bumper sticker that says "Sheridan/Ivanova for 2264".
a friend of yours won't tell you a secret he knows, and you think "If I only could get a Dust dose...".
the idea of digging in your backyard more than a few inches scares you to death.
you yell at the television when the characters on the show violate Earth Force protocols, and you're watching DS9.
you break off a friendship with someone because you find out he's a NightWatch man.
you are a student, yet you look forward to autumn because you know the new season of Babylon 5 is going to start.
you feel all smug after eating scrambled eggs.
... and then you tap the back of your hand and say "Hey, Sheridan, guess what I just had for breakfast?".
after watching _Messages From Earth_, you think back to "War of the Worlds" and realize that H.G. Wells was right about keeping an eye on Mars.
you prop up one end of your bed so that it's inclined about 45 degrees.
in Physics class, you refer to your studies regarding optical principles as "The Geometry of Shadows".
you make a note to remember to dust yourself off once in a while.
you start looking for the Pak'ma'ra section in the mens' restrooms.
your university's PR department decides they must review *all* WWW pages prior to posting, and you begin calling them the Nightwatch.
... when asked why the Computer Science department itself is subject to the PR department's approval, you answer "Because we have lost our teeth, and we have forgotten how to bite.".
... and then you seriously consider locking them all up in one room to convict them of unconstitutional behavior.
you want Narns on the police force.
you want to kill Barney the Dinosaur by dropping him into a room full of Drazi.
you ask your history professor if he's considered joining with one of those Vindrizi thingies.
you call your friends in for a code 7R.
you spend so much time outside of your body that you sometimes forget where it is.
you are watching your old tapes and start playing 'Spot the Markab'.
you put a bucket on your head and impersonate the ancient Vorlon god Boojie.
your cordless phone picks up interference, and you think there are Shadows on the line.
being reminded of someone you dislike, you scream "<that dude's name> tavotna chog!".
every time you take out a butter knife you cut your hand as Narn tradition dictates.
you're reminding a Calculus student of the definition of the hyperbolic cosine function, and you experience a mysterious impulse to begin answering all questions with useless vague monosyllables.
you see an article in a travel magazine extolling the ancient cities, art, and social tolerance of a foreign country, and you feel compelled to rewrite the article.
you start referring to Geneva as "Earthdome" and you use "Homeworld" instead of Earth.
you chant "Za ba ga bee" in front of your motorcycle.
your favorite hockey team is the New York Rangers, even though you live in Pittsburgh.
your favorite baseball team is the Texas Rangers even though you live in Kansas City.
your favorite soccer team is the Glascow Rangers, and you're Catholic!
you're writing about the Underground Railroad for history and you type "telepaths" instead of "slaves".
you start wondering when Scully and Mulder will capture a Shadow.
you think the Worm might be the Nexus' evil twin brother.
you go out and try to collect donations for the families of the Churchill's crew.
you use a short sword to kill cockroaches.
as you kneel before the porcelain altar, your one comforting thought is that it can't be a real hangover, otherwise you would not remember it!
you express mortification by gasping, "In Valen's Name!".
you think that the show starring Roma Downey and Della Reece is called "Touched By a Vorlon".
you see anything with a snake light attached to it, then you back away slowly.
you make sure those aren't eyeballs spread on your toast.
government inspectors come to visit your area of your worksite, you put a hand on your forehead, lift it and look at it.
... and when they leave, you banefully say, "They're here.".
everything makes a very satisfying thump (or did I mention that?).
your shoes are too tight and you have forgotten how to dance.
you think regret *can* be harvested.
you start using the verb "to butt" in your conversations.
you start reciting the Lord's Prayer and it comes out, "Our Ivanova, which art in Heaven...".
you have a dream in which your guardian angel appears to you, and it's in an encounter suit.
your dirty sexual fantasies start to include Morden.
you're disappointed because your computer doesn't sound like Harlan Ellison.
you write Betty Crocker to get advice on how to prepare spoo.
you reach for your usual breakfast cereal, Basic 4 (which you often abbreviate as B4), and then a scratchy voice in the back of your head suddenly declares, "Breakfast not Zathras skill.".
you register a domain with DNS just so you can post to USENET from youhavealwaysbeenhere@babylon5.org.
every day, in the locker room, you change the combination on all of the 4-digit locks to read "2260".
... then plan to change it to "2261" when season 4 starts.
you expect 36-hour long news reports.
you begin seeing your own death in your dreams.
... and a one-eyed Narn has an active part on it!
you wonder why PBS doesn't show any Narn opera.
... then you think it must be because the PBS executives prefer *Centauri* opera.
you want NASA to name its next space shuttle the "White Star".
you wonder if the Shoemaker-Levy 9 comet damaged the transfer point on Io.
you see someone you don't like and fear a glowing triangle appears on your forehead.
you look in the Bible for references on how to fight Shadows.
you start taking vibe showers because your house can't handle that much water.
you spend countless hours researching what exactly are the first two ages of mankind.
you keep a Narn translator at your side when reading the bible.
you think that Obi-Wan was a technomage.
you're in perpetual fear of tomorrow's boom.
you practice Vir's finger-wave, in case you ever happen onto Morden.
you fantasize about having a surgically implanted bone on your head.
you try to book passage to the rim.
you put wires on your head hoping to become a pilot for a Shadow ship.
your worst nightmare is walking into C&C naked.
you start thinking of Minbari drinking games.
you really get what Kosh is saying.
you look for animals in the sides of vorlon ships instead of doing it on clouds.
you think that F-16 pilots are Gaims working for the Air Force.
you wonder wether Predators dare to hunt down Shadows.
someone attacks you, and you expect to find a PPG lying on the floor.
you think that Mulder and Scully are doing a very bad job - after all, undeniable proof of extraterrestrial life has been widely known for about a century.
you suspect that the Streibs were the ones who kidnapped Mulder's sister.
you wonder what did C.S. Lewis know about Narn history.
you expect people to suddenly take off their face and reveal they're Drazis with a mask.
you say Or-Londo instead of Orlando.
you can't get the words "Signs and Portents" out of your head.
you cancel vacation plans so that you don't miss Babylon 5.
your teacher gives you a large assignment without explaining why, and you have the urge to shout "UP YOURS!".
... a while after that, he appears in your dreams apologizing.
you wonder what kind of insurance discount you can get for installing the Vorlon Defense System in your car.
... and you try to find out if there's an option package on the Ford Ranger that includes it.
the player for your team strikes out, you mutter 'not the one'.
the phrase "six of one, half a dozen of the other", sounds like an obscene Centauri joke to you.
your will stipulates that when you die, your clothing is to be placed next to your car.
you look out the window at a skyscraper and wonder whether it's big enough to open its own jump point.
you move into your new apartment, notice that the next street over is named "Sheridan", and consider relocating there.
you go spelunking in canyons trying to find an access way to the heart of the Great Machine.
you petition NASA to rename the international space station as Babylon 1.
you pull your car into a public parking structure and surrender control to C&C's docking computer.
... and then explain to the person you crashed into how substandard chips caused the collision.
... and when they ask you how your car flipped over, you explain that the chips didn't properly match the rotation rate of the parking facility.
you announce that your floor is seceeding from the rest of the company.
... and for the rest of the time you wear black outfits at work.
... and you charge the mailroom rent!
you call up the local radio station and request "Too Shy" by Koshagoogoo.
you wonder why Oliver Stone never investigated the death of President Santiago.
you become strangely obsessed with oranges.
you wonder why you've never seen Lady Morella and Ambassador Troi together.
you like to sing "Vorlons We Have Heard on High" at Christmas.
the phrase 'a pain in the neck' has sinister connotations.
the introduction to the old radio program _The Shadow_ leaves you in a featal position.
you call a Packers/Vikings game 'The Drazi Bowl'.
you try to summon a person by attaching a car battery to a full set of their clothing.
every morning, when you must carry everyone's bags out to the car, you recite "Zathras used to being beast of burden for other people...".
a friend goes against your advice, takes a certain course you already took, and gets a horrible grade, you repeat the phrase "I tried, I tried to WARN them... but it all happenned, just the way I remember it...".
you could swear for a second that the comments on your SAT diagnostic say "Mathematics not Zathras skill".
you wear black for a month after viewing 'Interludes and Examinations'.
you get extremely drunk in order to determine if you have a Shadow 'Keeper' attached to your neck.
... and then you actually think you can see it from the corner of your eye.
you go to the travel agent to plan a trip to New Vegas.
you are the hand.
the man in between is searching for you.
you think the theme from 2001 is "Also Sprach Zathras' Sister".
you go to Staten Island just to see the Garibaldi Museum House.
in an attempt to experience what it's like to live on the station, for 36 hours you lock yourself in the largest clothes dryer you can find and set it on the highest possible speed.
your friend returns from Jerusalem, and you keep on touching him, his clothing, his luggage...
... and, of course, his plants!
you have completely customized your computer with B5 wallpapers, sounds, icons and screensavers.
... and you are not the least bit embarassed!
your entries on this page are in the double digits.
you rent every movie in which a B5 regular appears.
encrypting data, you can't think of any passphrase other than "Hello old friend.".
... and after some serious thinking come up with "peekaboo", "socks", "fasten", or "zip".
you can't stand how the government keeps acting as though there was nothing of interest happening outside Earth.
... but keep it to yourself as you realize that publicly criticizing the government is not the wisest thing to do these days.
you see a book by Alfred Bester and discard it as Psi Corps propaganda.
driving in the road, you're surrounded by trucks, and you start screaming frantically "Not like this! Not like this!" and try to crash one of them.
you go door to door looking for telepaths to help you in the upcoming Shadow war before Psi Corps can snatch them and ship them off to the Shadows.
... and then when your own family has you commited you start blabbing something about ISN and a conspiracy within the government and the chain of command.
during a weekend trip to Escondido, California, you check in at the Sheridan Inn, and are a bit startled to see that the staff isn't dressed in spiffy black-and-gray uniforms.
you wonder why common everyday words like "Minbari" and "Z'Ha'Dum" aren't in your spell checker.
your spell checker actually recognizes words like "Minbari" and "Z'Ha'Dum".
you pass a road sign and you think it reads "... your last, best hope for gas and food next 200 miles.".
you expect to be able to buy only the sections of the newspaper you're interested in, just like _Universe Today_ lets you do.
you see someone that has a sore throat and dizziness, and you run away screaming something about a black angel.
... and when you see that the other persons in the area are doing nothing about it, you realize they're accepting their fair punishment.
you're kidnapped, and you expect to be rescued by an Omega class destroyer.
... and expect to be helped by a Narn while trying to escape.
you try to buy a _Universe Today_ copy at your local newspaper stand.
you refer to the 5-month period when no new episodes are shown as "the great darkness".
you are afraid that making a hole in the floor of your house could breach the hull and kill you.
... so you have a porthole installed in the floor and expect to see a starfield when you look through it.
you pretend that your TI-82 graphing calculator is an identicard scanner.
you answer the phone saying "Garibaldi's Fashion Express, go.".
you keep trying to remember if it was Romeo that was purple and Juliet was green, or the other way around.
... then get mad when your English professor doesn't know.
every time your wife picks up a snow ball, you expect someone to startle her opening the door, causing her to drop and shatter it.
you name your unborn son David in hopes that he'll be born with a Minbari crest.
your boyfriend leaves for a long journey, and you implore him not to go to Za'Ha'Dum.
you want to go somewhere, but you don't feel safe leaving home without a time stabilizer.
you're ticked off that you can't buy Minbari fighting sticks in America.
... and as a result you go to Japan to continue the search.
you try to open fuseboxes by saying "I don't believe in luck." and turning your back on them.
you drive 2 hours to your in-laws' house to watch next week's episode on satellite - then drive home right afterwards.
you visit where you used to work, but hide from your best friend in order to protect him.
you're watching "The Sentinel", and wonder why Marcus Cole lied about how his brother died.
you start playing multiple characters on a MUD, naming your warrior Sheridan, the cleric Delenn, the mage Valen, the Psionicist Bester, and the ranger Marcus.
you start confusing the DS9 wormhole with a jumpgate.
you shave your head and get tattooed to look more like a Narn.
you decide that NightWatch is behind the Communications Decency Act.
you try to order flarn at a fast-food restaurant.
you become extremely agitated when you can't find a listing for the Zocalo in your local phone book.
... and you then turn your house upside down looking for the 2259/60 edition.
you've memorized G'kar's "need for freedom" speech.
... it's been your .sig file for the last few months.
you start printing your homework on transparencies.
you're having second thoughts about that 'face on mars' thing in the tabloids.
the letter Psi causes pain.
you get *REAL* nervous when CNN goes off the air because of technichal difficulties.
you wonder why the Mutai is not in the Olympics.
you start dancing and singing around someone when they talk about sex.
you wonder if Dax was a lurker before she was joined.
your computer's startup message is "You have always been here.".
... and the shutdown message is your father's voice saying "It's alright son. As long as you're here, I'll always be here.".
you see an 'EA' in an old-style script on a business card and your first thought is "I didn't know Clark changed the seal of the Earth Alliance when he came to power.".
you and your wife are invited to a party and your reply is "When it is time, come to this place. Call our name. We will be here.".
we were right about you.
you stand between the candle and the stars.
seeing someone in a green and purple shirt causes you a moral dilemma.
before you start work at a new office, you have to give a good luck speech.
you submit a tv series idea to Aaron Spelling called "Charlie's Vorlons".
you flunk your history final because you list the sixteenth US President as being Abrahamo Linconi.
when you read all the entries and you laugh all the way to the end, when suddenly you are gripped by fear at the realization that 307 of them apply to you.
you won't let your girlfriend touch your snowglobe.
your Christmas presents are pieces of scrap metal.
you train in Centauri battle tactics when you're playing Descent.
... and in Descent 2, you re-enact the Battle of the Line with plasma cannons and afterburners.
... and then you use the Omega cannon and pretend to be a Vorlon ship.
you wonder if the Jem'Hadar will help in the battle against the Shadows.
... then realize the Dominion works for the Shadows.
the only e-mail you've received in the past few months has been from various B5 listservers.
you buy a Packard Bell computer and in a little while find yourself mumbling "Zathras can never have anything nice.".
you go to an adult video rental store and ask if they have any Centauri porn movies.
you arrive at gate B4 of the airport, and are not surprised to see that your plane has disappeared.
... so you conclude it must have been taken back in time to help win the Crusades.
... and then it dawns on you that you were supposed to leave from gate B5, because sooner or later everyone goes to B5.
you start taking Ivanova lessons.
you wonder if Jack-in-the-Box is serving Pak'Ma'Ra cuisine.
before you put on new clothes, you tell a secret and give something away.
you're in the middle of fifteen things, all of them annoying.
you wonder why the Narn aren't participating in the Olympic Games.
... then you realize they refuse to go in protest for the Centauri-Earth non-agression treaty.
you can't help but wonder why there is not a single Drazi in free-style wrestling in the Olympic Games.
you wonder what does the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy say about the Shadows.
... and you're sure that its entry for Z'Ha'Dum is "Mostly Harmful".
you want to send the Vogon Constructor Fleet to get rid of that damn planet once and for all.
you continuously think about what would happen to a Minbari that drinks a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster.
you want to drink hot jala instead of tea.
you refuse to go aboard a boat named "Icarus", because one from the crew looks just like Morden.
everytime you see the word Modern your mind reads Morden.
you'd rather have a gok than a cat.
you think that you can NEVER watch too much B5.
you walk past the ornamental duck pond at work and refer to the cute Centauri cats.
you take an exceptional interest in Olympic rowing, held at Lake Lanier.
you wonder why Centauri fencing is not an Olympic sport.
you're reading the side of a bottle of vitamins and you understand why there is no vitamin B4, but you wonder why there's no vitamin B5.
... then you begin to wonder what vitamins B1, B2, and B3 are doing there.
you histerically call "Mitanu" someone who's been on surgery.
you believe John Gray's bestseller is called "Men are from Mars - Women are from Minbar".
you're whole life has been leading to this.
you ask your doc for some stims because you plan to watch B5 episodes the whole weekend.
someone asks you: "Do you understand?" and you say: "No, but understanding is not required, only obedience.".
you wonder if Garibaldi is in the elevator before the door opens and you enter it.
you want to buy starlaces for your girlfriend.
... then you remember that it is difficult to buy them in a shop and you want to grow them for her.
you wear black gloves even in summer.
you think YOU are a telepath and are trying to run from Psi Corps.
you think the Holy Trinity consists of Sinclair, Delenn, and Sheridan.
you write to Kenneth Starr, demanding that he investigate President Clark's illegal activities.
you read about the Raiders moving back to Oakland, and you are surprised since they were destroyed in Signs and Portents.
you wonder what wine you should serve with flarn.
you want the World Court to indict Lyndisty for war crimes.
seeing a football player's helmet fly off after a hard tackle causes a flashback to the Battle of the Line.
you can't decide between a G'kar, a G'van, or a G'pickup.
you wonder why do Pernese dragon riders have Narn names.
while attending Yom Kippur services, you hear Londo's voice in your mind saying, "Fasting, prayer and repentance? This, by you, is a good time?".
you go into a restaurant and order Breen.
you try to stay close to the Vorlon.
you watch out for shadows because they move when you're not looking at them.
you feel all that remains now is honor and death.
you want to hide a na'ka'leen feeder in your boss' apartment - and call it "just an April Fools' prank".
you spend long nights wide awake in bed contemplating on how many Vorlons can dance on the tip of a flame.
your sexual fantasies involve a menage-a-trois between yourself, Talia and Ivanova.
you plan a holy pilgrimage to Ivanova's birthplace.
you call up toy companies demanding them to make Babylon 5 action figures.
... and tell them to make sure the Londo figure anatomically correct!
you hold parties where you request everyone come barefoot.
you think Madonna sings "Like a Vorlon".
you feel as though you're missing out because, as a human, you know you'll never get past "one".
the only interjection you use is "not good".
you look at people through drinking glasses so you can see the light refracting their soul.
you call up the hair salon to make an appointment with Ivanova on Tuesday.
you pass a billboard that says EA on it and you wonder what the Earth Alliance is advertising THIS time.
you see a cloud in the shape of a huge hand reaching out and you wonder how you got into Londo's dream.
inside an elevator, you take the time between floors.
you handcuff yourself to your computer and call yourself Draal.
your favorite song is "The One" by Elton John.
... and you call up your local radio station and have it dedicated to Delenn.
you try to mail a huge box of freeze dried coffee to the B5 command staff for Christmas.
your wedding gown looks like one of Delenn's outfits.
... heck, so do all the rest of your clothes!
you buy yourself an old Chevrolet Nova, refurbish it, and add the letters "IVA" to the beginning of its name.
you're more interested in Sheridan and Delenn's lovelife than your own.
... what lovelife? You gave that up to watch more Babylon 5!
you go to the optician and order red contact lenses.
the most pressing question on your mind is why the Shadows are not called Z'ha'dumians or Z'ha'dumites?
you wonder if a Vulcan high priestess can reunite the missing piece of Kosh with his old ship.
you watch reruns of "Scarecrow and Mrs. King" and decide that Sheridan was recruiting her for the Army of Light.
people refer to Australia as downunder and your mind hears it as Down Below.
you mess up on a recipe for a cake and you have to go back and start over from scratch.
you have a bumper sticker that says "Smile, Valen loves you".
you try not to walk in front of ventriloquist dummies.
you use "Hello Old Friend" as the subject for all your email.
you actually believe that Merlin was really Kosh.
you think the running lights on the runway look like a jumpgate.
... and worry when the plane comes in to land thinking it will jump into hyperspace any second.
every time you use a vending machine you can swear there's never anything at selection B-4.
... although there was definitely something there yesterday.
you spend your days wondering how Brother Theo handles confessions with only 24 hours in the day.
you try to turn on your computer by waving your hand across the keyboard.
you meet a person you thought you'd never see again, and immediately check the back of their neck.
you think that Charles Darwin was obviously controlled by the Shadows, to familiarize Earth with their theories.
you try to find deep meaning in the fact that Valen is an anagram for navel.
people ask you what time it is, and you respond "The Hour of the Wolf".
you try to get Garibaldi's picture on a milk carton.
your eyes turn completely black.
you send a "Get well soon" card to Morden.
... as well as the name of a good dermatologist.
your friends appear in your dreams with birds perched on their shoulders.
you start rooting for the Shadows.
you grin when you play bingo, and they call out "B5".
you cring when they play Andy Gibb's "Shadow Dancing" on the radio.
you say "En'til'zah" when you sneeze instead of "Ah-choo".
whenever you say "En'til'zah", people DON'T say "Bless you".
you go on walkabouts.
you see a can of soup with the label peeled off, and think someone dropped their Minbari Fighting pike.
you build a shrine to Daffy Duck, god of frustration.
you are standing over a deep pit and hear Kosh say "Jump, Jump now!".
... and you ACTUALLY CONSIDER it.
you watch your boyfriend in his sleep for three nights, waiting to see his true face.
you wonder how Minbari feel about drooling.
as you get ready to go to work, you see Kosh behind you in the mirror, saying "If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will die."
you've got the fourth season intro memorized the day of the premiere.
... and you know whose voice says what.
... and you know the pictures that go with it.
you take a biology course at a university, and refuse to turn in your laboratory reports because you're afraid the Earth Alliance will use them to make a biological weapon.
you suspect the failed NASA probe to Mars was really captured by the Shadows, and NASA placed a homing beacon on the probe so we could follow it to Z'ha'dum.
you're doing a marketing project for your internship and you're shocked to find that there are Fortune 500 companies named Valen Manufacturing, Sheridan Corporation, and PPG Industries.
you wonder if your green car would be vandalized if you parked it in your school's "purple zone" parking lot.
you become such a John/Delenn fanatic that you refer to yourself as a "flaming flarnhead".
you change your computer passwords to "iluvB5" and "john&delenn".
you want to help G'Kar kill Cartagia.
you try never to get too involved with your own life.
every song on the radio reminds you of John and Delenn.
your motto has become "Work is for people who don't watch B5!".
the only music you've listened to in the past three months is the Babylon 5 soundtrack CD.
... and you've invented lyrics for all the scores.
you carry around a small tape player so you can play Beethoven's 5th at high speeds whenever you speak.
you draw striking similarities between the Shadows and Microsoft.
you have a great day. You're relaxed and happy... then it occures to you that it may all be the result of a mind-wipe!
you have actually looked for a Zathras fan club.
... and when you didn't find it, you started your own.
you have assembled the Great Machine in your back yard.
whenever your friends ask you how something ends, you reply "In Fire".
you have a bumper sticker which reads "I break for Vorlons".
you eat your vegetables using the right hand and then wait a few moments before eating again.
you sky-dive without a parachute, thinking a strange being of light will save you.
you try to install blast doors in front of your windows.
you end conversations with friends by saying "May Valen walk with you and light your way.".
you always leave a spare, empty seat at the dinner table.
you consult your local doctor for inoculations against Drafa.
you keep a count of how many years until Babylon 5 goes on line.
every time you hand work in at school, there are at least five references to Babylon 5 in it.
you become a politician and try to pass a Bill stating that the history of Babylon 5 should be taught at school and it should be a criminal offence to dislike Babylon 5.
you want to buy a Vree insecticide, to kill the bugs with a "plasma rain".
you hide some diskettes in a book, and then send it to the 'Mir' orbital space station.
you wonder why the US and russian Mars probes weren't protected by an Omega class destroyer.
you cheer for the Kansas City Chiefs, because they have MARCUS ALLEN playing for them.
you see a local KOSHer deli and you wonder if it has always been there.
... then you conclude the Shadows are treif.
you want Amnesty International to declare G'kar a prisoner of conscience.
you are worried since the news has had absolutely NO updates about the Vorlon advances.
you look up the word 'Cranky'.
you copy the episodes to audio tapes, so that you can enjoy them on your way to work in the car.
you wear someone else's hat to get hold of his shagrassa.
you always try to remember to call him *Mr.* Morden. After all, who would want to be noticed by *his* associates by a lack of courtesy.
you tell people that you're not a 'systems administrator' but a 'technomage'.
it's 4:00 AM. You've just woken, screaming, from another Babylon 5 dream. Serverlan is going to have Mr. Morden's child! You go back to sleep. It gets worse: Bester's been named as one of the god-parents.
it's getting more and more difficult to try and think of a password that isn't Babylon 5 related.
your ambition for winning the lottery is to guarantee the production of season 5.
your WWW browser's Babylon 5 hotlists are nested into categories six deep.
... including entries for Dejanews!
your motorbike is called the "White Star".
the number of days remaining until some important event are counted as being 'Z minus...'.
... and always commences with 'Z minus 14'.
you get a bad case of pikal envy.
you insist on calling 'pain technicians' to the torturers.
you swear the neighbor's dog talks to you in the voice of your father.
you relocate to Sheridan, Wyoming.
when you see little Laura Ingalls on _Little House on the Prairie_, you yell out "bitch!".
you keep all your special info in a computer file named "Harriet".
counting up to 40 scares the hell out of you.
you try to decipher your newborn's babbling just because he's wearing "Osh Kosh" coveralls.
instead of swatting them, you tell spiders "Go. Now. Leave. These are not for you".
you want to go for a walk outside, but you can't seem to find your spacesuit.
you start worshipping Cartagia.
you get "John + Delenn forever" tatooed on your chest.
the only CDs you own are "Walkabout", by the Fixx, and "The One", by Elton John (BESIDES the soundtrack, that is).
you try to put on a benefit concert for Shadow War refugees.
you think you hear the rocks crying out "No hiding place" to you.
you try to get people to do that new crazy dance, The Pak'ma'carena.
you cut off the heads of your son's puppets, and arrange them in a row.
... then refuse to take any decision without asking them first.
you buy champagne to celebrate your 100th viewing of _The Coming of Shadows_.
... and you buy some more to celebrate your 100th viewing of _Infection_!
you keep seeing Babylon 5 explode in your cup of tea.
you plan to blow up apartments B1, B2 and B3 in your building.
... then you realize apartment B3 has to blow up on its own.
... but you're not sure what to do with apartment B4.
you plan a vacation in the Cartagian Mountains.
you have to go to the emergency room, but to refuse to have anyone but Dr. Franklin operate on you.
you remember JMS' name faster than your own.
you have a complete breakdown after reading that in Great Britain, the Shadow Cabinet consists of the heads of the opposition party.
while reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, your mind sees 'VORLON constructor fleet'.
you call your computer Zha'Ha'Dum, for whatever software is installed that will not serve... is destroyed!
you call a certain Wisconsin based football team the Green Bay Pack'Ma'Ras!
you fall asleep during a dinner with your girlfriend.
... and when she wakes you up, you mumble "In the memory of the Nine and the One".
... then claim you were not sleeping, you were meditating.
you think that the celestial body that Icarus flew too close to was Z'Ha'Dum, not the Sun.
... and you try to convince your teacher that so was the case.
... and you can't understand why you got a "C" grade in Greek Mythology.
you know the recipe for Flarn.
... and the correct rituals to perform when making it.
you go to the local marina to buy a motor-butt.
trying to think of names for your two newborn twin sons, all you can think of is G'Kar and Londo.
... then decide against it, since they would be fighting all the time.
in empathy for G'Kar, you pluck your eye out.
the water you use for your plants has blood mixed in with it.
you think the Death Star was actually a Vorlon planet destroyer.
you try to get Ivanova's birthday declared a national holliday.
you claim a Ranger can win a fight against a Jedi.
you wonder why you keep picturing Zack Allan driving a taxi.
you start referring to your telephone as "the Gold Channel".
you want to go to Z'ha'dum with a can of Raid and a flyswatter.
you hate that diet <foodplan>, so you go and make some Bagna Cauda.
you mailbomb clark@earthdome.ea.gov.
... and wonder why you get all those messages back with an "address not found" tag.
you silently wonder where Figgrin Dan and his cantina band is, because sooner or later everyone comes to Babylon 5.
you wonder why your local national park rangers don't have big green stones in their badges.
driving, you activate the Defence Grid when someone cuts you up.
driving, and about to crash, you well "Engines at critical. EJECTING!!!".
driving, to get a better reception on the radio, you try and drain energy from life support.
driving, you crash, thinking there was an Auto pilot.
driving, you ask for docking clearance when pulling up to a garage.
you refer to your boss as "Ranger One".
you buy the A-Z of Babylon 5, then realise you know more than the authors of the book do.
customers in the Best Buy you work in complain because whenever they ask "What kind of TV is this?" you always respond, "Efficient".
the only practical joke you can think of is to lock someone in a room full of angry Narns.
... without the key.
your mother says "I know what you're thinking.", and you begin to wonder why the Psi Corps hasn't come for her yet.
your family is going away on vacation, and you tell them you can't leave home, or it'll blow up or disappear.
you fervently hope none of the guys down at maintenance has attached a bomb to the Earth's fusion reactor.
you start referring to Windows 95 as Shadows 95, because it always destroys your work by crashing the programs you run.
you are upset you didn't get an invitation to the wedding between John and Delenn.
the word "Control" scares the hell out of you.
you get an unexpected present and fear that when you open it you will find a note that says "Next time, my way.".
you try to find out who tailored Kosh's encounter suit, because you want one too!
you cancel the dinner with your boss's family to watch reruns of season 2 and 3.
as you are driving on an on-ramp to the freeway, you yell "Activate jump gate sequence.".
you made a replica of Sheridan's uniform for Halloween.
... and you decide to wear it everyday anyway.
your favorite numbers are 181 and 47797, because they are B5 and BAB5, respectively, in hexadecimal.
you have two e-mail accounts, one for ordinary mail and the other for Babylon 5 related mail.
you look for B5 wallpaper and bedspreads to redecorate your room.
... and when you can't find anything, you make your own.
you've learned every word of Minbari spoken on B5.
you can't say three sentences without quoting Kosh.
... but you refuse to quote the new Kosh, thinking he's an imposter.
you buy a Sinclair computer and refer to it as "The One Who Was".
your sexual fantasies include Kosh.
... then you realize that they might not be just fantasies.
you refer to your divorce as "The Long, Twilight Struggle".
the Psi-Corps is your Father and Mother.
you want Brother Theo to preside over your wedding.
you wear a T-shirt that says "My boyfriend went to Z'ha'dum, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.".
you see an old jukebox in a bar, and you think its Kosh.
you write a political science paper on how it would be more efficient if we chose out leaders Drazi style.
you have all the episodes on tape - except for _Babylon Squared_, which disappeared 24 hours after taping it".
... and that doesn't surprise you at all.
you find out that the Death Star was built by independant contractors, whereas the Vorlon planet smasher "has always been there".
you keep having these dreams with a woman in a block of ice in them.
you go into mourning after Morden's execution.
you grow your beard to match Lorien's.
your favorite movie is _Indiana Jones and the Temple of Z'ha'dum_.
you give your friend a gift of a severed head on a pike for his garden.
you keep confusing the Daleks with the Vorlons.
it becomes a day of the week (i.e.: Monday, B5 Night, Wednesday, Thursday, ...).
other people drop by only on B5 Night to visit, because they know exactly where you will be.
you avoid saying "Aw hell" in public, on the off chance you might cause a massive firefight.
you honestly believe that the Babylon 5 Micromachine sets are an appropriate gift for an anniversary.
you celebrate St. Valen-tine's Day.
you watch the Cantina scene from "Star Wars" over and over again, looking for Drazi.
you check the bridal registry at Macy's for Delenn's name.
... you can't find it, so you go ahead and get her and John a toaster.
you can't remember if the Klingons are allied with the Vorlons or the Shadows.
you see a sign for a "Neighborhood Watch" and think it says "Nightwatch".
you wake up from a dream and have to see if you have a Keeper attached to your neck.
you are paralyzed with fear when you see a psychodelic random pattern screen-saver on any computer.
... so you immediately go in and delete the entire program.
... and then you go and quit work for no apparent reason.
a week after you get a new 2 gig hard drive, it's filled up with Babylon 5 sounds and pictures.
you organize a party at your house to celebrate Morden's death.
... then you try to go to Centauri Prime to hand-wave at his severed head.
you're three Commandments behind on pennance.
you want to change your state's form of capital punishment to death by vivisection.
you ask your medieval history professor why he doesn't cover the Great Shadow War of the 12th century.
... then you think he must have been in the Earth-Minbari war and still holds a grudge.
anyone mentions their "associates" you run away screaming.
while watching "The Empire Strikes Back", when Luke takes his long fall in Cloud City, you can swear that you hear him saying "Delenn!".
after watching "The Illusion of Truth," you don't believe a thing the media says.
you try to trace you family history back to Valen.
you celebrate St. Pak'ma'ra's Day.
you search Toys R' Us looking for a Tickle-Me-Londo Doll.
you have nightmares where you discover Morden and Wesley Crusher are the same person.
you calculate your net worth, and the bulk of it is B5 memorabilia.
you wear a green shash to a kegger.
you can't listen to Gilbert and Sullivan without hearing Dr. Franklin's scream.
A mention of Ranger Rick brings an image of a pike wielding racoon.
you spend a substantial amount of time administrating a webring devoted to it.
you live for the One, and you die for the One.
you expect tailors to be Minbari.
your Pascal programs don't compile, because you keep writing <*> instead of <>.
... so you go and write a new Pascal compiler that defines the <*> operator.
... and you obviously call it "jumpgate".
you wonder why didn't the rebels simply kill the Death Star with the Shadow Planet Killer.
you were to be a god, you understand?
you spend a semester of art class making a 5 feet model of B5 out of paper maché and wireframe.
you build an encounter suit.
your Chemistry 2 thesis is "Integration of telepaths and Shadow neuro-curcuitry".
you lose sleep for weeks thinking about Swedish meatballs.
your wife demands to know who this Delenn woman you keep mentioning in your sleep is.
you keep refering to Congress as The Centaurum.
your favorite pop group from the 70's is the G'Karpenters.
you're sent to the Principal's Office for saying "One nation, under Ivanova" during the Pledge of Alligance.
your boss tells you to remove all your furniture out of your apartment "for the good of The Cause".
you end your speeches with "As a dear friend said to me: If you're falling off a mountain, you may as well try to fly.".
you need Babylon 5's resources more than you need the company (however pleasant).
you step on your pride... and fall on your honor!
you pity the Centauri, because they're on a course for self-destruction.
you talk to your girlfriend - the one stuck in the freezer.
you feel honored when your new shirt itches.
you try to take out your left eye to look at yourself.
... then you look at it to be sure it has a proper color.
you apply for membership in the Kha'Ri - there's so many vacants after the Centauri's abandonment of Narn you feel you'll be accepted.
you menace your enemies with "I'll nail your head to the table, set fire to it, and feed your remains to the Pak'ma'ra.".
you build your garage and give it a rotation of 30 degrees per second.
you remember to always look up so you don't run into things.
you bought a Jazz drive for the sole pourpose of archiving your B5 stuff.
... and the stack is as tall as you are.
A spider is walking towards you and all you can think of is how long it will take to get the jump engines on-line.
... then you look to the ceiling and pray for a narn cruiser to rescue you.
after an unexpected promotion, your first thought is... pastels.
on St. Patrick's Day, you want to destroy everthing purple.
you hire a hit man to take out Clark.
... then you decide to include Bester, that guy from ISN, and hell while you're at it, the Nightwatch.
you start off your philosophy paper with "Consider the hand...".
you have flown to Geneva to picket at Earthdome about the unfair quarantine of Babylon 5.
you wonder why your liberal-arts college doesn't teach Interlac.
you kidnap the child of a Warner Bros. Exec. to ensure the production of season five.
you suddenly love chemistry because of coVALENt bonds and VALENce shell electrons.
you start constructing a White Star.
you're worried the White Star will run into a galactic iceberg.
you try connecting your computer to the Great Machine on Epsilon 3.
... neither ping nor finger nor telnet nor traceroute work, so you conclude the Great Machine has been cut off the Internet.
you get a papercut, and you're happily surprised.
you like Ivanova, because she's trouble.
you refer to Internet as StellarCom and your LAN as BabCom.
you want a G'Local-Area-Network.
you call JMS to complain when there's no John & Delenn scene in an entire episode.
your meaning of life has changed from 42 to B5.
you're pretty sure Dr. Franklin must have met Mr. Beeblebrox during his Hitchhiker days.
... and you think Dr. Franklin is the one who gave him the extra arm.
you see the Shadow War Chronicles at your local bookstore, and you think, "Funny, I didn't know George Lucas was a historian...".
you've just received shocking news, and the only thing you can think is "Funny, I... I wish Delenn was here.".
you're never more than three feet away from your link.
you keep referring to the Cloud City manager as Londo Calrissian.
you think the proverb goes "Curiosity killed the gok.".
you buy a Star Wars pop up book because there is a 'Captain Kosh' hunting for the `droids!
you imitate the characters from the show in every day conversation.
you say "Never trust a smiling gok" rather than "a smiling cat".
you build a Triluminary device.
you construct a half-million megaton bomb and call it "the Weedwhacker".
your eyes see a giant octopus, and your mind sees a Na'ka'leen Feeder.
you go to work, and you tell your wife: "Well, honey, I'm off to fight legends.".
you ask your doctor if he uses a Copeland J5000.
you think you've caught Netter's syndrome.
your eyes see your girlfriend, and your mind sees Delenn.
you go to your favorite toy store looking for the Babylon 5 Monopoly Game.
you stop playing Warcraft II since the dwarves say "What do you want?".
your favorite Dr. Seuss book is "Green Eggs and Spoo".
you think Caracas is the capital of Valenzuela.
you do your physics term paper on Lennier motion.
... and it exclusively uses the Cartagian coordinate system!
you frame a picture of John and Delenn and display it on your shelf.
... and you bow before it 3 times a day.
... and 5 times on B5 day.
... and you frame a picture of G'Kar explaining he was your foregin exchange student.
... and you frame a picture of Marcus explaining he's your boyfriend.
you blame Marcus when you have no one else to blame.
you and your heart aren't speaking anymore.
you sew the initials JS into your baseball teddy bear.
you form a motorcycle gang called 'Hell's Vorlons'.
you want Christopher Franke to make theme music for you.
while writing about World War II, you describe 1943 as the year of fire, 1944 of the year of destruction and 1945 as the year we took back what was ours.
while watching Star Wars, you wonder why the Alliance won't use Thunderbolts.
you seriously believe Herod Agrippa was killed by Winston Churchill.
... and Churchill died in the attempt.
you have registered your own domain for your B5 site.
you try to call up Draal's holographic systems whenever you want to make an important call.
you have sworn to uphold the Earth Alliance Constitution.
... and you actually know what it says.
you are surprised to see Keffer alive in Wing Commander IV.
... then wonder why Earth doesn't use Starfuries anymore.
you buy a Home THX system, a HDTV and a LaserDisc player only to watch Babylon 5 in true cinema style.
you start a mailing campaign to make LucasArts do a Babylon 5 game series.
you think lightsabers must be Minbari weapons.
you are master or owner of more than five B5-related channels on IRC.
your daily schedule always ends with: Watch a Babylon 5 tape.
you get a bad feeling when someone tells you "Watch your back".
the B5 universe is more real to you than the real world.
you pledge yourself to the Entil'zha.
you set up a Ranger training camp.
your friends tell you you're nuts because you can't talk about anything else than Babylon 5.
... and you take it as a compliment.
you think Yoda must once have been Entil'Zha.
while playing Star Wars RPG, you wonder if the Quarren are distantly related to the Pak'Ma'Ra.
You think Ripley in Alien^3 was trying to impress a Centauri by shaving her head.
your cat lays on you in the middle of the night and you wake up screaming, mistaking your cat for a Keeper.
you reset the Netscape default home page location to The Lurkers' Guide on every computer you see.
all your slides for your Ph.D. thesis presentation have the B5 logo in the background.
... you acknowledge JMS and B5 at the end of your talk.
you spend one year learning to appreciate humor.
you think, after a hard days work at court, "Why does Ombuds Zimmerman never get these cases?".
in your will, you leave your entire fortune to JMS, to make sure the show goes on.
you can't wear an Earth Force uniform with a clear conscience.
... so you wear one of the nifty black ones instead.
you want to sign on for the Earth Force Academy.
you panic when you awake to find a flower on your pillow.
you want to be alone, so you wear black gloves, hoping people will mistake you for Psi Corps and stay away.
you think that wearing black gloves to a Halloween party qualifies you for the "scariest" category of the costume contest.
you wonder why fashion magazines don't cover the latest in Centauri hairstyles.
your chat room nickname is "breen".
then you're afraid everyone will mistake you for swedish meatballs.
... and it's not even a B5 chat room.
you wonder if B4 was in one of the Time Tombs.
you feel insulted whenever anyone calls Babylon 5 "Just a TV show".
you have to wear a B5 T-shirt every B5 Night.
... and you have to wear a B5 T-shirt every day.
you are set a task by a teacher, you tell him "Zathras is good at doing but not at understanding".
you talk to yourself and tell everyone that you're speaking with your associates.
you try and alter the frequency of your video camera to see shadows.
you search for a Zarg in the hope that you'll be able to join with the universe through a pure creature.
whenever you organise meetings, you tell everyone to bring extra caps for their PPGs, just in case.
you search for the reason that there are swedish meatballs on every world.
you refuse to go to funerals because people will be wearing black arm bands.
you try to hatch a Globitt egg.
you go around knocking over termite nests to see if they evolve.
you make a cocoon out of paper maché in the corner of your living room and move in for a few weeks.
... and you get a friend to light candles and recite mantras for you while you're inside.
you always wanted to be an art major, but instead you take psychiatry so you can help Marcus to forgive himself "for being alive".
you say "Nuzin felani, en aleez bi drohn" to the woman you love.
... and she knows it for the compliment it is.
your fan fiction is so accurate, people think you're JMS in disguise.
NEW STUFF
your PGP passphrase is "Lyta had a little Vorlon. Her skin was pale as snow. Everywhere that Lyta went, the Vorlon was sure to go.".
talking with someone, you realize he doesn't know a thing about the Shadow War, so you believe CNN is controlled by Clark - just as ISN is.
you begin creating and performing Tee'la.
you expect to have sex with your girlfriend with some people meditating in the nearby room.
you see someone taking off a glove, and you can't help but remember being trapped in a small room.
while playing Steel Panthers 2 you always buy Sheridan light tanks.
during a poker game you say, "One eyed G'Kars are wild.".
... and you're mortified, not because your friends think you're nuts, but because you insulted poor G'Kar.
you stop going to the local grocery store because they sell Clark bars!
you're depressed for a month after losing a pun contest when the final category was B5.
your favorite PBS children's show is Mr. Morden's Neighborhood.
your favorite album by The Clash is "Londo Calling".
there's an eclipse of the sun, and you think it's really a Vorlon planet killer.
your favorite thing on ESPN is PPG racing.
you cannot decide whether to celebrate May 3rd as Sinclair's birthday or as Valen's.
... so naturally you celebrate them both.
you know the floor plan of B5 better than your own house.
everyone asks you for information about Babylon 5.
you try and second guess what's going to happen in the show. And to your surprise, you're right!
you criticize President Clinton for not serving in the Earth-Minbari War.
your favorite Billy Joel song is "Captain Jack".
your look through commercials frame by frame, looking for subliminal messages from Psi Corps.
your favorite R.E.M. song is "The One I Love.".
you want to place a Keeper around your significant other's neck.
you plan to have ten kids, all named Zathras.
you call your satelite provider, and demand to know why you can't pick up The Voice of the Resistance.
you've watched "Into the Fire" for the 100th time... this week.
you try to hire Garibaldi to find your dog.
you tell your kids to behave, or the Drakh will get them.
you won't write an omega in physics class - especially not with a black pen.
you try to interface with your office building.
you are going to celebrate the year 2000 with brevari and flarn.
you feel like dissecting Bester.
watching _How The West Was Won_, you think Sheridan messed with his time stabilizer again...
the only reason you can think of to buy Lightwave 3D is to make professional Babylon 5 animations for your website.
you wonder why the UN doesn't take any action aganst Clark for his crimes against human rights.
... then you get a horrible thought: What if the UN has also been infiltrated by the Shadows?
your favorite negotiating phrase is "your only option is to surrender".
the cable TV service is down, and you immediately attribute it to Clark's jamming.
... and you're surprised to see CNN is unavailable, too.
you invite your new girlfriend to perform the Shan'Fa ritual.
you are so tired, you feel like you've been carrying the station around on your back and crawling through broken glass for three years.
you're being persecuted by several crooks, and your only thought is "Docking Bay 3, Docking Bay 3".
And you really know it when:
you worship JMS.

Now that you're here, be sure to read The Babylon 5 Bogus Episode List that I also keep.

Go to my Babylon 5 page.

Last modified: 19/05/1997

Miguel Farah
miguel@webhost.cl
mfarah@puc.cl

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